Are you doing Tinder wrong?

Part one: attitude is everything

Let's be real, Tinder isn’t my app of choice these days. That doesn't mean I'm lacking in opinions, mind. Enough of them to make this a two-parter. Before l get catty about other peoples profiles though, let's take a second to talk about the real make-or-break between apps being soul-crushing or occasionally rewarding: attitude.

I am not about to try and sell you on some manifesting, the universe returns your energy shit. I make no claims that this will change anything tangible about the results you find on the apps. Today, I'm more interested in what it feels like to use them. Though if you're having a good time, I wouldn’t be surprised if that had positive knock-ons.

The stranger in the supermarket theory of dating apps

I have a theory about levels of investment in dating app matches. I call it "strangers in a supermarket". It's the basic attitude I’d like to see more people embrace with online dating.

What's in your trolley? Photo by Eduardo Soares on Unsplash

Imagine you're grocery shopping. You spot someone cute. You have a few seconds to check them out, glance at whats in their shopping basket. You like what you see, and you smile as you make eye contact. Maybe they smile back. Ding! You've got a new match. This is about the level of meaning I attach to app matches. You've smiled at a stranger, they're smiling back.

Now imagine you're exchanging a few words in line for the checkouts. Having a pleasant interaction, feeling one another out a little. Congratulations, this is the dating app equivalent of early messages.

Sometimes those conversations will fizzle out. That cute stranger remains a cute but friendly stranger and the conversation naturally comes to an end, or one of you politely ends it.

And sometimes, that conversation sparks something. You decide to take it out of the supermarket and into the real world for a coffee or a drink and see if there's something there. Now you've made a connection.

People’s levels of investment vary

As a woman who's dating pool includes men, a good 70-90% of the people I swipe right on are going to swipe right on me too.* One time time, in a new city, I got over a thousand new likes over the course of a weekend. I don't mean that as a brag (though it kinda is). I want to illustrate a point; any single match is unlikely to be super important to me.

On top of that, I am also not seriously looking for anything. My life feels pretty full and my openness to new connections fluctuates on the daily.

Now imagine you are a straight man, and get relatively fewer matches. Imagine too that you are very actively looking for a serious relationship. When we match, that might feel a whole lot more important to you, so it’s going to feel personal when I don’t immediately match your energy. Hence the strangers in the supermarket theory.

I can respect that you might have serious intent out here, but right now we’re still strangers, figuring out if there's a spark and - hopefully- trying to be kind to one another along the way.

Don't expect to find The One(s) right away

So much of relationships is down to luck and chance. Meeting the right people at the right time. All the apps do is give you extra rolls of the dice. Help you cross paths with more people than you might otherwise.

Online, it's also a numbers game. Those first smiles at strangers are based on the bare minimum of information and you're going to kiss some frogs before you meet your prinx. Or at least have a few unremarkable coffees before you U-haul.

Are you having fun?

I go on a couple of 1-3 week app binges a year. I swipe when I am generally feeling good about myself and about my life, and feel like I have some energy and curiosity to spare. I try to notice when it feels like doomscrolling, or coming from a place of need, and put the apps down to call my friends.

Dating shouldn't feel like a chore, or an obligation. Having a fun cute time is the entire point.

If swiping is making you feel bad, stop it. If you're not enjoying the chat, say a kind thank you and goodbye. Make only plans you want to keep. Ask yourself - am enjoying the process? And if not, why am I doing this?

*this is not purely a gender balance thing. I also have a strong profile and fit pretty well into conventional beauty standards, albeit with a subculture twist.