Are you doing Tinder wrong?
Part 2: your profile sucks, let's fix in
Check out Part 1: attitude is everything here.
I have a confession. I spend way more time on the apps critiquing other people’s profiles than I do actually swiping right on any of them. Swipe apps mean making a lot of snap judgements, and I snap so fast it’s practically an Olympic sport.
So, how do you slow me down enough to actually take a second look, and maybe even a swipe right? I have a few ideas. They are all pretty subjective. They may also be particularly relevant to straight dudes (the queer folks I see are mostly smashing it, and straight women don’t show up for me).
I want to know what you actually look like
Picking photos for a dating profile is HARD. I generally feel pretty good about how I look IRL but still struggle to find pictures of myself that feel authentic, flattering and appropriate.
If you’re struggling for where to begin, a good rule of thumb is to cover three main bases:
Face - a head-and-torso shot, smiling in the general direction of the camera in good light. Not your work headshot.
Figure - a full-body shot, maybe you’re posing for the camera, maybe you’re just doing something you love. I don’t need your abs in the bathroom mirror.
Fun - what do you get excited about? Show me pictures of you doing that, being in your element.
I know that these image-based apps can feel shallow and icky, but when I’m swiping I’m not looking for a marble sculpture, I’m looking for a real person who is comfortable enough in their skin to not hide behind filters, strange angles or group shots. Who’s ready to say this is me, take it or leave it.
Give me a reason to want to know more
The bio section is there for a reason. I have a pretty firm rule that if you say nothing, I assume it is because you have nothing interesting to say. Think of it as a conversation starter. It should make me say “I love that too!”, or “wow, I’m curious”, or give me something as a hook to build a first message from.
Paint me a broad picture of what matters to you, with a few breadcrumbs of something deeper or more specific to spark curiosity. Beyond work, what do you do with your time? What are you nerding out on at the minute? What matters to you? What are you looking for?
“I’m an open book, ask me anything” is a non-starter. Given that the apps create the illusion of infinite choice, why would I spend my wild and precious life taking the extra step to find out if we have anything at all to connect over, when 30 other folks who have written something personal, interesting or witty are just a swipe away?
Don’t be scared of the marmite
Marmite’s iconic slogan, you either love it or hate it, encapsulates an idea I think we could all embrace a little more. You are not trying to appeal to the widest possible pool in your profile, you are trying to appeal a lot to the people who are most right for you. Let folks who aren’t a great fit self-select out and save you the work.
I used to shy away from using the word feminism in my profiles, until I figured out that I didn’t want to date guys who can’t handle my feminism - and meet me in it. Share your nerdy hobby, the weird hill you will die on, your special interest or left-field idea. Let the people who don’t get it swipe on by, and give the people who do a reason to stay.
Side-step the clichés
Some phrases come up in people’s bios so much that they become empty of meaning. Remember the late 2010’s Tinder where liking gin was the main component of most people’s personality?
Straight guys, here are a few of the clichés I’m seeing going strong at the moment:
I like a good night out or a good night in
Looking for a partner in crime
Love to travel
Don’t take myself too seriously
Good vibes / easy going / laid back
Up for anything / will try anything once
These are all things that can be true, but can you make them more, well, you?
Save your frustration for your therapist
I get it, dating apps can be frustrating and disillusioning, especially if you’re on the wrong side of a gender/interest divide. It’s okay to be disheartened! Just…maybe keep it out of your profile if you don’t want to perpetuate the issue.
The “why match and not chat?”, “is anyone real on here” etc. comments in bios are surprisingly common, but they also have a self-sabotaging effect in a couple of ways.
I am already on the back foot, and feeling pressure to engage with you at a level of investment that I may not be feeling
It comes across as desperate or needy, rather than vulnerable and ready to connect
Find another outlet for that hurt, and come back to the apps when you feel more able to handle the uncertainty and potential for rejection.
The perfect profile doesn’t guarantee you matches
I actually enjoy crafting a good dating profile. There’s something fun to me about playing with the words, with putting a little bit of an idea or excitement out into the world so I’m willing to put a little bit of time into refining it.
All this though, is just a process of gradual optimisation. It increases the odds of matches that are right for you, it’s not a silver bullet for turning tumbleweed into a sea of clamouring babes. So ask yourself, am I still having fun?
P.S friends from the offline world, I am always up for working on your dating profile with you. You know where to find me.